Why I’m smarter than Wal-Mart, K-Mart, the RIAA, and Geffen (and possibly Guns ‘n’ Roses).

In the world of rock and/or roll, Guns ‘n’ Roses’ Use Your Illusion twin albums have always been a subject of debate since their release. On one hand, they contained some of the best material the band has ever released, and some of the best hard rock and metal songs ever. The albums were a snapshot of what made the early 90s a musical golden age, and also a vivid insight into troubled lives in a very troubled place. On the other, they represented the height of the band’s internal conflicts, and it manifested in the form of an absolute mess. Possibly more than half of all the songs on I and II were filler. It’s easy to see why the band broke up soon afterwards. Not only were they not getting along personally, but the band seems to have used up the last of its creative chemistry in this one burst.

Consequently, rock fans and music journalists *gag* alike have wished the album were a single disc encompassing all the good stuff, and none of the bad. It’s the type of thing that could have been called by some, a “perfect” album. In essence, it involves excising the massive amounts of filler, leaving in the hard-rocking goodness, and letting this album unleash its fury. In general, I’d wager most people would have strikingly similar views of what that ideal album would be.

Everyone, except the pusillanimous weasels masquerading as executives Wal-Mart…

and K-Mart…

and Geffen.
Indeed, Geffen released a unified Use Your Illusion unbeknownst to me. It had been out since 1998, and I’d never heard of it. That was odd, given it should have been every GnR fan’s wet dream. I could already tell something was up. The half-assed cover art was the other dead giveaway. Upon looking at the tracklist, I noticed something odd: Instead of being all the good songs, it was all the filler! Imagine a “Greatest War Movies Ever” marathon on HBO, except the movies were Stealth, Pearl Harbor, Independence Day, and Top Gun. That’s sort of what it felt like. Here’s the list:

1. “Live and Let Die”
2. “Don’t Cry” (original)
3. “You Ain’t the First”
4. “November Rain”
5. “The Garden” (with Alice Cooper)
6. “Dead Horse”
7. “Civil War”
8. “14 Years”
9. “Yesterdays”
10. “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”
11. “Estranged”
12. “Don’t Cry” (alternate lyrics)

Just looking at it, right off, you can see whoever made the tracklist was a complete hack. They included BOTH versions of “Don’t Cry”? You have the entire selection of both Illusion albums to work with, and you decide to post two versions of one song? Fire this idiot (or team of idiots, more likely).

Looking at the tracklist, it becomes obvious none of the songs are the ones that rock. It’s a power-ballad compilation! Now, if they’d just been honest and made an album called “Guns ‘n’ Roses Ballads”, it would be acceptable. An honest way of reaching people with no interest in hard rocking songs. But this album is called “Use Your Illusion”. The assumption anyone would make upon seeing the name and cover is that it’s the album GnR should have made. The best cuts off the album set, and something that out-rocks Appetitite For Destruction. That is the very reasonable assumption anyone with a fraction of a brain or more would make.

Of course, Geffen’s staff are not the only ones to be held responsible here. Let’s not pretend they didn’t have an external motivating factor at work. Companies such as K-Mart and Wal-Mart have no business selling music. They’re nothing more than lumbering, inept corporations that are at their best selling toilet paper and distilled water in quantity. Where the executives got the notion they have any right to have any say over distribution of artistic works is beyond me. Both of these companies are well-known for forbidding any albums with the anachronistic “Parental Advisory” sticker, either to satisfy the inbred rednecks who might be offended by those “gosh danged blasphemous words”, or the inbred rednecks in their corporate offices; I’m not sure which. In order to make an album that satisfied that point, Geffen had to compile the least offensive album possible. Difficult with a band that likes to say lots of bad words.

The most pathetic part, though, is that the Racket of Idiotic Asinine Airheads (RIAA) assiduously blacklisted every Illusion tune with the word “bitch”, which just means female dog, but managed to miss the song “You Ain’t the First”, with the explicitly sexual line “I’ll be in with another, deep down inside.” Let’s not even get into the fact that it was clearly a joke song and shouldn’t have been included on any of their albums, even the Spaghetti Incident. The album also includes one of Alice Cooper’s personal nadirs, “The Garden”. There’s a very explicit mention of losing one’s virginity to a Gypsy. Sexually explicit content AND politically incorrect terming of the Roma people! Shock and horror! But, he didn’t say “fuck”, so it’s ok.

Now, if I’d been in charge of things from the get-go, back in 1991, I would have done things differently. There would have been ONE Illusion album. Its tracklist would look something like this:

1. “My World”
2. “Right Next Door to Hell”
3. “Garden of Eden”
4. “Bad Obsession”
5. “Pretty Tied Up”
6. “Bad Apples”
7. A dramatically shortened “Locomotive” (especially with piano outro removed)
8. “Back Off Bitch”
9. “Don’t Damn Me”
10. “You Could Be Mine”
11. “Civil War”
12. “Dust ‘n’ Bones”
13. “Coma”

Concurrently, I’d release the trilogy of “Don’t Cry”, “November Rain”, and “Estranged”, or whatever order they go in, on an EP. Then finally, a year or two later, I’d release all the rest of the material on a leftovers album. Maybe some of it would never see the light of day at all, like “So Fine” and “You Ain’t The First”. It’d certainly be a service to the band.

Unfortunately, it’s too late for Geffen to redeem itself, as nobody cares anymore. We live in the MP3 age where people can make their own versions of the ideal album, or their own greatest hits compilations. It’s stunts like this, though, or more accurately, the root cause behind them, that will ultimately lead to the demise of entities like the RIAA and Wal-Mart. I’ll be the first one to throw a party when that happens.

As for Guns ‘n’ Roses, they don’t even exist anymore. They didn’t really exist in the late 80s, as there was no Guns in the band anymore. Tracii Guns was off squandering terrible glam rock. If Guns ‘n’ Roses really wants to surprise us, they’ll get back together with Matt, Duff, Izzy, Slash, AND Tracii, AND Axl. With all those guys back in one place, they could probably keep Axl on good behavior long enough to record an album. Hell, they managed to deal with that crazy junkie, Scott Weilland long enough to record TWO.

See, this is why I need to be put in charge of more things. Why is it I can figure this stuff out, and all the “experts” spend all day deliberating and squabbling just to come up with these dick-brained ideas. The lesson to take away here is that if you hire me to get your shit done, it’ll get done right, and fifteen years down the road, people won’t be second-guessing you, or picking your decision apart. This article should prove in one stroke that I’m infinitely more competent than any executive at Mall-Wart, K-Mart, the Record Racket of America, or whatever watered-down entity Geffen is these days. And I’m probably not the only one.

Hey what do ya think he’s tryin’ to say there, anyway?
I think it’s something each person’s supposed to take in their own special way…