Why I’m smarter than the execs at Subway (and Quiznos)

A big component of common sense is consistency. Hypocrisy flies in the face of common sense. Today’s lesson on common sense (or lack thereof) deals with hypocrisy committed by Subway. As a primer to anyone living under a rock, the two superpowers of the sub-sandwich “quick casual” industry, are Quizno’s and Subway, and they’re engaged in a marketing war. Each side has taken a distinct angle and position, although the degree to which they’re prosecuted, as you will see, varies.

Quizno’s’s’s position is simple and brutal. They have more meat, better quality ingredients, and taste much, much better. And the hype is true! Bite into a Quizno’s sub, then into a Subway sub. It’s like Marilyn Monroe vs. Kate Moss, substance-wise. Quizno’s offers bold flavors and a decent amount of meat. While perhaps a little manufactured-tasting compared to local sub shops, as chain food goes, it’s quite satisfactory. So confident were they in their claims, that they made goofy commercials like this one, shamelessly taunting Subway, or this one with its rather cheeky reference to “what real women need”.

Subway’s counter campaign took a surprising while to surface. But when it did, it beat the same drum they’ve been beating since Jared. Namely, health. Subway’s advertising retort to Quizno’s consisted of obnoxious commercials with a self-consciously hostile parody of Quizno’s original campaign. It was the marketing equivalent of “I know you are but what am I?”. Unfortunately I don’t have a recording of the radio ad, but it was painfully bad. In effect, the commercial, though as grudgingly as possible, tacitly admitted Quizno’s had better tasting food! By complete omission of the extremely important variable of taste from the commercial, Subway conceded defeat on the flavor front to Quizno’s, so invested were and are they to the health angle.

One little problem though.

Subway is committed, on paper, to health, however they offer no fewer than seven types of white bread and only two types of whole-grain bread, neither of which are flavored as interestingly a their white bread. Want garlic wheat bread? Tough shit. Eat your whole grain hardtack and shut the fuck up. That is Subway’s attitude toward healthy eating. OK, to be fair, their honey oat bread is decent, but it’s still not a match flavor-wise for the flavored white breads, and for that matter, their breads are no foil for the limp-wristed flavors Subway brings to bear.

This attitude, of course, smacks of the worst excesses of the health nut crowd. I have heard it in as many words with my own ears that eating should not be about enjoyment about about minimizing calories, no matter how insipid the resulting food. So obsessed is this demographic with health, that they almost prize blandness or even foul taste if it’s good for you. Remember, these people eat seaweed.

Now, if you’re a complete idiot, that’s your issue, but a public company should not cater to the lunatic fringe. Sensible people want to eat sensible food. Robust in flavor, modest in calories, and rich in nutrients. Why punish people who want whole grain bread with a lack of flavor while rewarding the unhealthy, white bread-eating walruses with a plethora of choices? While Quizno’s, who never has positioned themselves as the healthy choice has one fewer whole grain bread variant – plain old whole wheat – their vastly superior sandwich fillings more than compensate.

Oh, and let’s talk about those sandwich fillings. Have you ever ordered a sandwich at Subway with roasted chicken? Well the device they’re heated in looks very little like a roasting oven and a whole lot like a microwave! Microwaves are not traditionally known as a healthy form of cooking, and moreover they are the antithesis of “fresh”, which is 62.5% of their slogan “Eat fresh”. How is limp, soggy microwaved chicken drowned out by lettuce supposed to compete with the vast amount of bland, whole-wheat bread which surrounds it?

So let’s recap:

- Subway’s commercials lean so heavily on their market position as healthy that they unwittingly, or at least tacitly, admit Quizno’s tastes better.

- Despite their heavy investment in health, they offer far more flavors of less-healthy white bread than whole-grain, and the whole-grain flavors are plain and bland.

- Bland bread is not compensated for by flavorful fillings. Meats are microwaved and minimalist anyhow, and lettuce seems to be the primary ingredient.

Moreover, a small Quizno’s Black Angus sub on whole wheat bread has 480 calories. One third of a weight loss diet’s daily calorie requirement! That’s right. I wouldn’t recommend it, but you could eat a small Black Angus for each meal of the day, every day, and lose weight. And a small sized Quizno’s sub has enough flavor and substance that a single sandwich will leave you satisfied, and not stuffed, all for less than $5.

I doubt Subway execs will read this. If they do, hopefully one of them has some, uh… common sense. Maybe they’ll take the hint. This round of the marketing war definitely goes to Quizno’s, although that does not mean Subway is out of the race.

Next Round:

Quizno’s has made a few boneheaded moves such as discontinuing the awesome cheese steak they made, on which they put a rich gooey cheese sauce in lieu of plain cheese. They also discontinued one of the greatest prepackaged cookies ever, the toffee snickerdoodle. If Quizno’s can drop winners like that, they are far from infallible. They also have a few franchising inconsistency issues to iron out, stemming from too light a grip on their constituents. Nonetheless, their Flatbread Salads offer a very formidable challenge to Subway’s health-oriented focus. The salads, while slightly heavy on calories offer a very balanced meal, and perhaps offering a garlicky whole-grain option in their flatbread salads would complete the package.

Subway has an advantage over Quizno’s in their menu flexibility. It is a far less awkward process to order exactly what you want at Subway. They lose major points on presentation, as it has a rather cafeteria-like feel, and something could be done (edit coming soon with some examples). Staying true to philosophy will make or break Subway in the sandwich war. Subway prides themselves on freshness, but their insistence on microwaving meat harms them on perceptual, nutritional, and flavor factors. Plus, several of their meats and other components come packaged together. Cheesesteak meat is contained together with onions and green peppers, and green peppers and red peppers are together with onions in another container. Not all people like all three things at once. While Subway is perceptually more flexible, Quizno’s perfectly separated sandwich components appear fresher and are easier to individually select for your sandwich.

Recommendations for Quizno’s

- Add a whole-grain, garlic bread option to their flatbread salads.

- Standardize closing times at their franchises.

- Bring back cheese steak. Stop discontinuing tasty things.

Recommendations for Subway

- Improve presentation

- Switch from microwave to convection oven heating.

- Offer same flavors of wheat bread as white bread, e.g. garlic, Italian herbs.

- Separate out all ingredients and do not presumptuously bundle together.

- Add roasted red bell peppers to ingredients.

Good luck!